Alan le Roux
Director of Drama Development
RE: Eat Your Egg
You are receiving this letter because I’m a big fan of your company’s work. But I’m not so big a fan that I won’t call you out by saying that your recent drama output has been a bit meh. You must have noticed yourself how people have been writing less than complimentary comments on your Facebook page? Only a third of these have been from me so it’s clear that I’m not the only one dissatisfied with the endless sub-par cop and medical shows. You need some fresh blood, some new ideas. Luckily I have the solution for you Alan.
I am a writer. Yes, I’m sure you know plenty of those. Pancreas supposedly champions the work of new, exciting writers producing inventive and cutting edge work. But in this, I think most of us would agree, you simply have not gone far enough. You need a writer who is so new they’ve not become shackled by having written anything before, who is so exciting that he’ll send you something literally as soon as he’s finished typing it into his phone. You need a guy who is so inventive he’s made you up, whose work is so close to the cutting edge it has sliced a hole in the side of the box inside which all the rest of his peers spend their time thinking. That writer is me.
Attached is the first page of my new drama series, Eat Your Egg. It is not a medical show, but it does administer the medicine of words. It is not a cop show, but it does deal the justice of giving the acting fraternity two incredibly well drawn characters to bring to life. I will let you read it now and I will continue in 1 script page’s time when the wall behind you is slick with your exploded mind.
EXT. POLICE STATION – DAY
We meet Reinhold McCallister, 29 and cool. He is outside doing cool stuff. He is quiet, except when he talks. But he doesn’t usually talk as he is masking a well of pain that we will come to know about over the next 12 episodes. He knows judo and he is an imaginative lover.
Reinhold McCallister had a jagged southwards groove learned the hard on the toughest dance floors of downtown. More jagged than a Celtic coastline, his speech would assault a man about the ear hole. Southwards was his nickname, his rep a label that stuck because of his willingness to throw down when the oranges got real. And groove? Well you don’t need that explaining do you? If you’re reading this you already know that McCallister played a dance off like a blood sport.
Reinhold pulls his gun. It’s a shiny Colt 45 AX Twin Barrelled Double Filed-down Desert Eagle Cannon. He cocks it, then... HE SHOOTS HIMSELF IN HIS OWN FOOT. Literally... but metaphorically too?
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
It is raining. Hard. The army drives by. On the roof a helicopter lands and out gets a dark, shadowy figure. He is welcomed by a kind-faced nun. The man (the shadowy figure) welcomes her. Then he stabs her.
He steps into the light of the fireworks that are going off over the river on account of it being new year’s eve. This is Scalextrick Finpt, 29 and 7 months, he looks as evil as Megan Fox is sexy. He could be played by Megan Fox. So long as she can do a Home Counties accent, Finpt is from Cornwall.
Scalextrick Finpt’s self belief was overpowering. His approach as head of the city’s Anti-Streetdance Task Force was sloppy. This was all by the by as he was carrying a plutonium switchblade. Enjoy the show.
The crowd roars. He is evil, but he is cool. But is he as cool as McCallister?
Welcome back Alan. The great news is that you’re the first person to read this. The bad news is that to see more I’m going to need some development money. We can discuss exact figures in due course but I need your agreement in principle that I can start writing the full twelve episodes and online media content.
The option on this is not indefinite and I need confirmation before the weekend because I’m going on holiday.
I look forward to a prosperous future as we work together to bring Eat Your Egg to the screen with Pancreas’ cameras and catering facilities.