Scheduling a film shoot is like putting a jigsaw puzzle together when you don’t know what it’s supposed to look like. Actually no, scratch that. That’s wrong (and lazy, ‘putting a puzzle together’ didn’t dig very deep for that one). It’s a frickin Rubik’s Cube (still not deep, but better).


I’ve never completed the Rubik’s Cube. I’m sure there’s some very logical mathematical approach to solving that rainbow brick because it’s not impossible. It’s tantalisingly simple; get all the colours you need together at the same time and you’ve got a whole face of the same colour! Except while you’ve been getting the greens all the rest of your work with the blues, reds, yellows etc has been undone entirely. It’s no good looking at one side at a time, you’ve got to consider the whole.

But all at once? My brain can’t hold that many squares. That’s why I have a bloody big spreadhseet. Because cast and crew availability, locations and all the other things (including trying to minimise expense of course) seem to work against each other in unexpected ways. Like the limbs of cat you’re trying to put into a Beefeater costume before the guests arrive.

The big cheat on the Rubik’s cube was to peel off the stickers and reapply in perfect colour groups. Applied to this situation though that approach would essentially involve kidnap and theft and I’m not going there. Not yet anyway, you’ve got to give yourself something to work up to.

If only I’d written something where the cast, crew and locations were all the same colour. But then I never found the Rubik’s Dot that interesting so it’s probably not a bad thing.

Come here you infuriating Technicolor Borg ship…