I have been with my partner for 9 years. We are both divorcees, friends who have grown together over time. A year ago we took the step of moving in together into a lovely house, all made possible by my partner’s well paid job. We were never happier until my partner lost his job. Since then our relationship has been wracked with doubt as we’re struggling financially. My partner feels he is solely to blame for this as he was the one made redundant. I’ve tried convincing him it’s not his fault but he is moody and distant. I don’t want this to be the end of us, please help.
You poor dear, your problem is a sign of the times if ever I saw one. The ‘current financial climate’ is an overused term in this current financial climate, but apt for placing into context this very human cost of our economic depression. You don’t mention much about your house and quite how lovely it is, so it’s very difficult for me to visualise what is at stake here. Are we talking about a detached property in a desirable rural area, set in several acres of land with all original 18th century fittings and an Aga? Or is it a middle terrace in a drab inner-city street, close enough to trouble but too far from any real interest, with interiors you’ve cobbled together from charity shop finds and pity-donations and that you call lovely because you know you’ll never really have the dream home you truly want? For purposes of steeling you against a worst case scenario I’ll assume it’s the former, as the latter simply comes across as tragic.
As you sit at your Aga reading this reply, perhaps nibbling on a failed Jamie Oliver creation, think on what made it possible for you to be living in this lovely house of yours. Of all things your focus here should be on your relationship with this man who wanted you both to live together in a lovely home. And how his reach has ultimately exceeded his grasp. Whether he meant to or not he has let you down by overestimating his financial worth. At worst he has likely tricked you with the promise of a better life in order to lay claim to you and give himself homely comfort and sex on tap. I’m not blaming you for falling for it (I am but that is another issue about which you will need to write me an additional letter) because it is he who needs to realise what he has done wrong before it’s too late. He has devalued his standing as man of the house by making this erroneous decision to lose his job. So you must express your disappointment towards this aspect of his status by denying for the the foreseeable future any bedroom activity. You say he has become distant and moody, why this is nothing but the behaviour of the immature! Respond in kind to highlight the childishness of his actions. Deprive him of the privileged subtleties of adult communication by shouting exactly what you’re feeling, whatever and whenever that happens to be.
I won’t lie, you may be in for the long haul here. It would be far easier for me to suggest you leave this failure of a man for pastures new, but you have such a lovely sounding home and some things are worth fighting for. While you wait for your campaign of shouting and lack of affection to take effect you may hit rough times in terms of money. There’s little sense in you both suffering so make sure you’re at least maintaining your own standard of living. Take the initiative and apply for a credit card or a small loan, but make sure you do it in your partner’s name (lets not forget whose fault this whole situation is!). If the high street banks are unwilling to help then borrow money from an independent source, the kind advertised in the back of the local paper. The risks are higher, but when your husband eventually finds out what you’ve done it will give him the impetus to sort his life out. And if he leaves you then at least you will know your relationship has always been a glossy sham.
Best of luck, it’s tough out there at the moment. I know I’d be lost without my Aga.