Writing without a computer

An open letter to the people who burgled us

Dear The People Who Burgled Us

I admire the nerve it must have taken for you to enter our building and our flat and then take our property. I am however finding it very difficult to find anything else to praise in your actions.

The guitars you took, well the electric one has a jack that does not work and the acoustic was the poorer choice of the two available; the other has newer strings and is in tune. I can only assume that you are not serious musicians.

The laptops were a pretty good find for you, I suppose. I mean they’re several years old and quite slow by now, but one does have a whole bunch of promising scripts and stories on it, which I would welcome you to try to complete and improve upon if you feel you have the requisite discipline and imagination.

By far your most lamentable move was to take the documentation containing our personal details and to then get yourselves arrested for something entirely different while still carrying those papers. It brought a day with an audacious beginning to a disappointing end and closed the loop on your little jaunt to the seaside. I am so far impressed with the police force fighting our corner.

I would tell you to go fuck yourselves but I believe you have already done that.

Yours sincerely


P.S. My pink grapefruit shower gel, really? What do you think of it? I quite like it. I’ll probably get some more, except I’ll pay for mine.

P.P.S. Oh so it was my ID you took. I’ve got it back now, cheers. You didn’t have to crumple it up, you dicks.

P.P.P.S. FFS, my passport too? Please could you forward me a list of everything you took, it would make this slightly easier. I will call HM Passport Office, I believe there are some people there whose time can also now be wasted.